I'm writing this with one hand, while Olivia snores on my chest.
Thinking back over these past couple of weeks, I'm surprised more than anything by how natural it has felt to have Olivia with us. Not much shock or confusion; stressful at times, but always feeling somehow like this is how it is supposed to be. I don't believe in fate or divine will in these things, but it's a good feeling anyway. This is our child, a brand new person but already closer to us than most; this is our family.
And Olivia, despite having a very limited sense of her environment and means of expressing herself, nonetheless has a profound effect on us. Through our new roles as parents, we discover more of ourselves, and of each other; but even more than that, it is this new role that further molds and shapes who we actually are.
Recently I've been thinking about God asking Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac. We understand this as a "test" of his faith. Does God really need these experiments to see inside the human heart? Or is it instead that we need these experiences to become the people he is looking for? Strangely, it is the challenges that we find ourselves in that cause us to become people who are able to meet and succeed at them.
Or, to put it another way, the things I do are what determine who I become.
Having gone through many changes in the past couple of years, I think I have become more aware of how I define myself in relation to my world. The question who am I, really? is always floating somewhere in my subconscious. Maybe time will help answer that question; but for now I enjoy the uncertainty, even as I wonder the same about my daughter, who is (thankfully) still snoring soundly.
Goodnight.
5 comments:
wow, thanks for that. I was just thinking this morning about 'tests' of faith, trying to reconcile the Biblical narratives about testing with what I know about the nature of my Father God. I know he's not a pencil-tapping assesment administrator that the word 'test' brings to my mind. Yet it's totally there in the Biblical text and in my own experiences - tests happen.
I like the idea that these tests are more for my benefit and formation than anything else. In fact, maybe they are solely for my benefit and formation. I know that God equips those he calls - and as callings are as many and varied as people, so the equipping process is different for everyone.
Good times...had by all.
(I'm loving the string of updates, thanks for keeping in touch)
YOu said "Strangely, it is the challenges that we find ourselves in that cause us to become people who are able to meet and succeed at them.
If I can add-
only if we decide to take those challanges and allow them to better ourselves and/ or the world around around us..
sandy
Glad to hear everything is going well.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Carl
what do you mean by, "I don't believe in fate or divine will in these things..."?
Responding to Andrew...
hehe, the theological eyebrows being raised...
I just mean that I don't think every decision we make has a right and wrong answer, even with big things like choosing careers and having kids. I believe God is interested in our creative potential, and wants to see what kind of life we can make for ourselves. In other words, life is more like an art project than a textbook exam ;)
I'm way past pulling proof-texts from the Bible to 'prove' these kinds of things, so don't expect any citations. It's just My Take On Life(tm).
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